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They’re the worst 😩
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Planet of the Apps.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
the answer was staring at me all along
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy