I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
British websites use biscuits.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning