‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
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[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god