We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Tier 3 meme
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??