Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best