Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
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I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Noah
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.