That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%