king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
You Might Also Like
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My dog learned how to text
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
#math
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Breaking news: