[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
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me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I love art.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.