It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
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Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample