I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
You Might Also Like
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Based Erika
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Same post same
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.