“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only