genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry