Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.