Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times