Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.