me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
You Might Also Like
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
you know what ruined my childhood? children
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”