Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.