I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
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one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!