Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
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Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Traveler’s camo
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
why am I working on Labor Day
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus