Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
You Might Also Like
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥