Cherry seeds are just the pits.
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁