I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”