People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
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me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*puts my mental health in rice
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My dad teaching me to drive
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.