You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
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Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.