flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
lmao
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
do horses think humans are hats