Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger