I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.