Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.