[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Imma just leave this here…………
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?