barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage