Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
You Might Also Like
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes