People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
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Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[shakes fist at other fist]
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Never forget.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Well, this explains it:
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The glockness monster
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is