Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
You Might Also Like
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
cyclists
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.