Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
So that’s what we looked like?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Gross if literal…Liverpool
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Boy never ceases to amaze me