[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.