[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
How I like cutting carbs
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.