This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
You Might Also Like
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard