Boy never ceases to amaze me
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sigh
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.