If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
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Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.