Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
You Might Also Like
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%