And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom