(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
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Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.