From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Story of my life…..
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.