The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
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Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
nice challenge
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”