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Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
TODAY
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.