I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.