Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I can’t stop laughing at this
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?