While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
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I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well