Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?